Jess Reiche

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(Re)Worked Classics: Who I Am — Who You Are

I’ve been blogging for a really long time. I started keeping a diary when I was in the first grade. I wrote about school and those stupid boys. Then in sixth grade I upgraded to a journal. I wrote about my struggles in junior high and dance school. I wrote about friends and boys. That lasted until Prodigy and AOL entered my life and I discovered online “journals.” I made my own website when I was 15 and wrote about, you guessed it, life and friends and boys. I kept with that until I entered college and my boyfriend of the time helped me develop my first blog (even though we didn’t call it that). It was called me4thought – so you can imagine what I wrote about 🙂 Later in college I also gave livejournal a whirl since it was the thing to do. After college I took a break from public writing but within a few years started the blog “proverb31girl”. Once again, I wrote about life. But after a while I ran out of words. Or rather, my spirit and confidence in my life ran out. A combination of hormones, lack of sleep and mental battles left me in a depression that somehow convinced me I didn’t have anything worthy to say anymore. I had nothing to offer the world. A lifestyle blog was really just about selfishly posting your own thoughts – and who would care about those?

Depression can do crazy things to a somewhat stable person. 1 Peter 5: 8 took on a meaning in my life very quickly.

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. (NIV)

 

Depression keeps you from having a sober mind. Lack of sleep keeps you from being alert. And what happened? My dream got stifled. My confidence and happy persona got devoured. And that resist him part? That part about standing firm in the faith? Well I tried. And many of you reading this were my rock of strength and truth as I struggled to gain a hold of the true solid ground God placed me on. I struggled beyond what most of you know. I had daily mental battles about my choices in life. Why did I give up a career to be a stay at home mom? Was I any good at being a parent? Was I any good at being a wife? Was I any good at being a daughter and sister and daughter-in-law and sister-in-law? Am I enough? Am I boring and lifeless? Why is it so hard to smile and enjoy things that should be enjoyable? Maybe I should have gone down a different path and not be causing my family pain as I struggle. Why does my life have no meaning beyond feeding my family and doing laundry and bath time? Who am I to think I can homeschool my kids better than a public school can? Why did I bother struggling through college if I’m not going to work? Who am I to send my husband to work with the pressure of being the sole provider as I sit in storytime with a bunch of runny nosed toddlers? Honestly, that’s just the top of the list of DAILY thoughts I had. So I stopped writing. And I stopped talking. Why would ANYONE want to ruin their day hearing my thoughts?

But 1 Peter 5 continues…and so did I…

 

10 And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 11 To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

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Thank GOD for 1 Peter 5:10-11. After all that struggle, a little light here and there started shining through. With the help of my nutritionist balancing my hormones and helping me detox my body – my mind fog started to clear. I started to eat foods that benefit my body rather than drag it down. With the help of my husband I started exercising daily and talking again. With the help of my church family I started to ask God for help and pray through my doubts and struggles. With the help of my family I started realizing I am enough for them. With the help of my friends I started laughing again. With the help of my kids I started playing and enjoying being home again. With the help of old journals I discovered my “past life” wasn’t as fulfilling as I seem to remember. And with the help of books and blogs I started realizing how important my role as a mom is, and how it’s okay to write about my life. If others words about their lives and experiences could help me, than surely God could use my life and my words to help someone else.

Am I ALL better? Nope. But I’m realizing that’s okay. It’s who I am right now but I’m no longer giving it the power to control my life. I’ll live through it. I’ll learn through it. And I’ll share through it.

As I get older I’m realizing that everyone has their own story and their own journey, all they need is the confidence to walk in it; to not look left and not look right but to just look forward and take one step at a time. If we stop comparing ourselves to others and even to our old selves, we can all discover who we are RIGHT NOW. Not who we want to be. Not who we think we should be. But who we actually are. Because ya know what? That’s all you need to succeed today.

I’d love for you to take the time to share in the comments who you are TODAY.

On 2/25/14 when I originally posted, this is who I was: For me, today I’m a mama still in pajamas at 9:40am. I have 2 kids with coughs and sniffle noses and toys already spread across the living room. I have a little boy cuddled on my lap and a lukewarm cup of tea next to me. I have a dinner to get in the crockpot, laundry to do, and a tentative to do-list before my mom comes to visit. I’m a woman who spent the morning reading the Psalms and have been trying to pray more. I have a husband who is under the weather and will probably want my cuddles tonight. I am needed today. I am loved today. I am…still dirty today. I really should probably go take a shower 🙂

On 10/19/15 when I republish this post, this is who I am: I’m no longer fighting depression on a daily basis. It still pops up when I forget to take my supplements or don’t get enough sleep, but I’m very grateful to have found solutions that help me. I’m still home and am now homeschooling those 2 little kids and can honestly say that I DID hear from God and I AM called to be doing it. I don’t question my life choices when I focus on TODAY. I love my kids more than life and have a less-stressed relationship with my husband. We’ve grown as a family and have learned to help each other when the mountains appear. With God as our rock, we do not have to rely on people and that’s a beautiful weight to be lifted. And about that showering thing…I’ll be honest, I still forget sometimes 😉

Your turn! Post a comment sharing a little about who you are today and how I can pray for you!

Comments (2)

  1. I am a very different person today than I was a year ago, 2 years ago 5 years ago etc. I am learning to like myself, which is definitely an effort, but I am enjoying the experience. Today I am more confident, and more relaxed about lots of things. Things that used to get under my skin I now look back and wonder why. I do think the way we eat greatly impacts our moods and well being and glad to hear you are eating in a way that supports a healthier happier you 🙂

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